i feel bad today

chief among the most unhinged things i've done

I’m sitting on the floor here with a jerryrig everything knife having just made shallow cuts into my leg to try and write out “this is pain” enough to bleed, and I forgot that the whole point of self-mutilation is to try and feel something. In school I used a pencil, wore it down to a sharp point, and scratched it into my skin until it started to bleed enough to scab and scar, it took forever and it was agonizing. actual blades are too quick but I haven’t owned a wood pencil in a decade

it doesn’t hurt that much. the goal for me is part something to do and part reminder that as horrible as it feels in your head you could be experiencing much worse physical pain. by the time I’m done I usually feel better having accomplished something. ive been thinking a lot about the last time I felt this bad. I remember it took me a long time to feel better, pretty much the entire time I was single before. then I remembered a specific argument I had with a former girlfriend. we argued all the time. angrily and menacingly. she accused me of cheating physically or emotionally with friends of my friends. of course I wouldn’t do that. i didn’t want to be with her but I respected her enough as a person to never hurt her like that. she didnt have the same respect for me

someone told me that insecure people will accuse you of the thing they have done to you. I don’t know how true that is, at least it feels like an overfitting issue. in the middle of the argument I walked out and went to the bathroom. I don’t know if I had started planning this mid-conversation or if it just occurred to me when I was getting space but I used to carry a pencil in my pocket with my phone so I didn’t have to fish it out of my backpack. i carved her name in bright bold letters on the inside of my leg. deeper and larger than any other time. always words, never for attention, never to commit. always an expression. I reasoned that if I had a sort of brand that I couldn’t possibly cheat on her because in any intimiate situation, someone would surely see it and know that I was cheating. some people don’t care about cheaters as long as its not them getting cheated on

i showed her the wound, surely she should trust me now. that only made her trust me less, but if someone actually cares about you the threat or act of self-harm usually puts the petty shit to the background. a long time later she told me she liked me having it. then we broke up.

it’s long since faded, but of course there’s the tired expression about the scars you see vs the ones you don’t. I still have nightmares about her. I’ve never been so angry or emotionally anguished as those 3 years

my most recent relationship was nearly 7 years. i will never recover from this. by this point the pain has subsided. i still feel awful and I need to buy new razor blades