i feel bad today

i don't think there's anything left for me

It feels like its impossible to create something without hurting someone, or hurting some people, or taking advantage of someone or their work.

There’s nothing left to build that helps people, unless you can make them pay for it. You can’t make someone happy without contributing to systems that hurt others. You can’t be successful without stepping someone else. I’ve always wanted to start my own business. I learned how to program because I wanted to build things to make people’s lives better. Get them off their phones and get people together, take the stress out of school or work, give people a way to work together, and a system they can trust each other with. All sorts of ideas. But you need servers, you need to suffer, or make someone else suffer to build it. I’ve suffered and I wrote a lot of code that went on a lot of servers, and wasted a lot of time and resources but I didn’t do any of those things. I’m not good at marketing. Being a founder means thinking you know better than someone else. I don’t want anyone to think I think that.

I spent years working on these things alone. Now I’m stuck with all these domains, and all these dreams I know I can’t build. I put them in a glass display case to collect dust. I put them in GitHub, archived, deprecated, private. What do I do now? There’s nothing higher than helping everyone. Nothing I will ever do will be as good as that. What else can I do?

Work is agonizing. It’s not hard, I got okay at what I do. It’s just awful. Every day you stress and fight with code or people or systems that everyone hates, to build a thing designed to take money from someone. It’s not yours, you don’t want to build it, you just want to get paid. Why do I have to spend my entire life doing things for other people just to be miserable?