i feel bad today

you can't convince me all of this is worth it

my airpods pro case went off at 4am to remind me that they’re fully charged, not sure why anyone would want that and now I can’t sleep.

every day I wake up, nauseous, I have to get through today for some reason that no one wants to tell me. For what? I managed to get an overpriced studio apartment so I can be alone and miserable and waste my money. I’m paying $2200 a month for a studio apartment with fewer than 500 square feet. I have no support system, generously 4 friends that are at least 100 miles away. The only person I care about has disappeared from the face of the earth and I am more alone than ever before. Every day I think about things that might make me happier and I keep falling back to “but I can’t afford that” or “but I couldn’t do that” or “but they wouldn’t want to to be around someone like me”. So I set on working on myself. I need a job, badly and quickly. I wouldn’t hire me, why would you hire someone who will probably end up killing themselves in a few months?

everything is worse for no reason. Worse and more expensive. This is what we designed. The end of everything exactly as intended. I’m worse for no reason but I can’t take myself off the market. Recall notice: me. I googled support hotlines because I heard you can just text them now. I think I really like texting but everyone else seems like they’ve gotten really shit at it at some point in the last decade. Or people just don’t like talking to no me specifically. I don’t blame them I just don’t know what else to do. There’s like 6 different numbers for crisis hotlines but I don’t want to talk to them because I’m terrified it’s just going to validate my position: that there’s nothing here and I’m right to be miserable. “But it’s not all bad” Really? Why is that the standard? I have nothing, I am nothing, and like everyone else my accomplishments will amount to nothing more than accelerating our extinction event in a slightly different but equally terrible way.

“But think about all the people that would miss you” why the fuck do I care about that when they can’t be bothered to care about me when I’m here now? Pascal’s guilt trip? Optimistically I would just be a cautionary tale, another “thing that happened to someone you know”. Maybe, MAYBE someone will be sad besides my mom, my brother will get emotional but he won’t change. He’s a loser too but doesn’t know it. But no one will be worse off. No one needs me for anything. I am not a function of anyone’s life. I am a side-effect, a side-show, a distraction.

I need a job so I can pay my rent so I can…??? Keep living? What life? So I can ?? with all of my ???. What petty, unimportant, or insignificant things could possibly go in those places? Everything is terrible, there’s nothing left to enjoy, no time left to enjoy it. I feel terrible and I don’t see a way out of it. “Graditude” be grateful for what you have. I have what I have because of broken systems of discrimination and evil, is that okay? I don’t LIKE what I have I don’t WANT what I have I’d gladly give it to someone else if I could give all of it. The point I’m trying to make, the point I’ve been driving at, the point I’ve been cutting into my skin is that I don’t want to have anything ever again because I don’t want anything. But when you don’t want anything and you aren’t looking for anything and you don’t do anything you don’t really exist and I’m just trying to make that official.